10 Myths About Being a Stay-at-Home Mom Debunked (by a SAHM Who Used to Believe Them)

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Stay-at-home moms. 

The women who have a smile and elaborate snack waiting for their kids after school. And supper on the table for their husband promptly at 6pm. 

The women who possess spotless houses and deep volunteer resumes because they have so much extra time. 

The women who are naturally nurturing, compassionate and patient because they don’t have to stress. 

Because they. Have. It. All.

Or so I used to think. 

Before I became one. 

The Myths of Being a Stay-at-Home Mom

After a decade of choosing to leave a major publishing house to become a SAHM, there’s little of my day that looks like the 1950s housewife I imagined. And even less that resembles the women from the Real Housewives series on Bravo.

In addition to the idealistic perceptions of the stay-at-home mom, there’s also the negative stereotypes: helicopter moms, clingy kids and cowering wives.

The truth is, being a stay-at-home mom (aka SAHM) is one of the most fulfilling, yet challenging decisions I’ve made. It takes a lot of hard work. Physical work. Financial work. Emotional work. Mental work. 

And I’d like to shed some light on that. 

But first, a note to working mothers: Unfortunately there’s an assumption that one is better than the other: stay-at-home moms or working moms. So let me share this to dispel any of that nonsense.

With that said, as Mother’s Day and my 10th year as a stay-at-home mom approaches, I’d like to debunk 10 myths about SAHMs that even I believed when I worked outside of the home.

Let’s set some things straight. 👇👇👇

1. We “Lounge on the Couch, Eat Bonbons & Watch TV all Day.”

That’s the phrase my mom (a previous stay-at-home mom) would say to describe lazy people. Stay-at-home moms are NOT lazy! 

But there’s this misconception that we watch TV (especially HGTV & Food Network) all day. Listen, if we’re on the couch, it’s because we’re folding laundry, feeding the baby, brushing someone’s hair, scratching someone’s back—you get the idea. Sure, the TV’s always on, but it’s not for our shows. 

And a note on bonbons—or any sweets for that matter. I only eat sweets on the couch after 9:30pm. Otherwise, I’d have to share them. Those puppies are hidden in a secret location I only bust open when the kids are sleeping.

2. We Have Immaculate Houses.

We might be home all the time, but so are our kids. And they (and their messes) rarely leave. Our kitchen is used for every meal. Our rooms are played in from sun up until sun down. 

With more people home, how do we expect the house to be cleaner? And when do we clean? While the kids are home. Which means for every toy we pick up, they put two down. By the time our significant other comes home, we have little to show for our efforts. 

What about a house cleaner? While every SAHM wants one, on a single income, that’s not often in the budget. Plus, with us home all the time, scheduling one is challenging and inconvenient.

3. We Love to Cook.

Do stay-at-home moms cook a lot? Yep. Does that mean we love it? Not necessarily. After preparing and cleaning up after two other meals and just as many snacks, the last place I want to go at the end of the day is back into the kitchen. 

We cook because lugging everyone out of the house to eat is just as time consuming and takes as much energy as us whipping something up at home. And for those of us on one income, we can’t afford to go out. 

At the end of the day, we’re moms and moms want to put healthy foods on their family’s plates. Heck, once we learned more about eating plant-based diets, I was so motivated, I learned how to make all vegan meals.

4. We Enjoy Endless Free Time.

Admittedly, I used to believe this one. I thought I’d have time to do all my hobbies, catch up on all my projects, exercise and finally get organized. 

The sucky part about this myth is that others truly believe it. And take advantage of our limited and most precious resource: time. They assume we’re available to run errands, babysit, pet sit, volunteer, and the list goes on. 

The truth is, at home, if we don’t create structured time—like you have at school or work—then there is no free time. Plus, our free time is often when kids sleep. And then you can find us using it to get stuff done that’s easier without kids around: i.e. cleaning bathrooms and paying bills.

5. We Experience Financial Freedom.

SAHMs get to stay home because they can afford to, right? Sort of. While many stay-at-home moms can afford the choice they made, they aren’t usually financially well off. 

I worked part-time from home for two years after having my first baby. My husband was a teacher. Even with 1.5 incomes we struggled. Then I was laid off. With a toddler and another one on the way, my husband carried the extra burden and found more work to make up for the lost wages. And unlike most of our double-income friends, we rarely vacation, and if we do, it’s mostly day trips. We have an older house that needs work. We drive older cars. 

We don’t have endless streams of cash. But this lifestyle taught us how to budget, pay off debt and appreciate the blessings we do have.

6. We Are “Just Moms.”

When people ask what I do, and I don’t have a freelance project I’m working on, I get self-conscious. Because I know what’s coming. “Oh, so you’re just a mom?” 

Newsflash. None of us are “just moms.” We love our kids, but we have interests, passions and pursuits. And to chase those dreams, we have to find sitters, extra funds, free time, and intern or work opportunities and experience. Because after we leave the workforce, we have to be damned determined to get back into it.

None of us are “just moms.” We love our kids, but we have interests, passions and pursuits.

Try staying up-to-date on industry and technology standards when you’re not working in it for years. Thankfully, LinkedIn finally added caretaker titles to their job description list. Congratulations stay-at-home moms (and dads), you can now include your title to show why you’ve been absent from the workforce!

7. We Can Work While Watching the Kids.

With more remote opportunities, plenty of stay-at-home moms are work-at-home moms. But scratch that image of the put-together mom on a conference call with the kids coloring quietly next to her. 

I’ve been a WAHM (work-at-home mom) off and on for a decade. After falling asleep on my keyboard one afternoon while my 3-month-old napped, reality sucker-punched me the next day when my boss called to talk about the embarrassing mistakes I’d made in the published post. 

We can’t work when kids are awake because they need supervision. We can’t work when kids sleep either if we don’t have adequate rest. SAHMs need dedicated time to work, just like everyone else.

8. We Reverse the Work of the Feminist Movement.

If I’m being honest, this was why I didn’t want to be a SAHM. To me, and plenty of others, getting married and staying home with kids meant conforming to traditional gender norms established by men. 

Growing up, my school, home, friends and media projected subtle messages like: “If I’m not seeking financial independence or choosing a career over caretaking, I’m not a feminist.” But now, being a stay-at-home mom, I disagree. 

With 27% of mothers staying at home—whose work is worth an estimated annual salary of $162,581 (after you total up 96 hours of work per week)—I’d say the plight of the SAHM is furthering feminism. We’re challenging society to understand our decision to put family before financial independence, respect the scope of our work, create more work-from-home opportunities, and recognize the role our spouse plays in this.

9. We Cower to Controlling Husbands.

People assume our husbands coerced us into this. Heck no! Most stay-at-home moms I encounter express they made the decision to stay home (and their spouse wasn’t always thrilled with it).

For my husband and I, childcare was too costly. And we wanted to be our kids’ main caregivers. We didn’t mind who stayed home. My husband left the decision up to me. And I chose this path. 

If you asked my kids who’s the boss of the house, it’s unanimous: Mommy.

Does he bring in the money? Yes. But I pay the bills. He doesn’t control what I purchase. We make big purchases together, like anyone sharing a bank account should. And if my asked our kids who’s the boss of the house, it’s unanimous: Mommy.

10. We Don’t Need a Break.

Since we view home as a reprieve from school and work, there’s an assumption that moms who stay home are on a never-ending break. I thought snuggling with little ones all day sounded pretty relaxing compared to my 9-to-5 lifestyle.

Newsflash: Stay-at-home moms experience more worry, stress, depression, sadness and anger in their day than mothers who work outside the home, according to a Gallup poll. While it’s not a huge gap, it’s notable. 

Most of us weren’t prepared for the mountain of caretaking tasks, the roller coaster of emotions, and the isolation that comes with the job. As a mother who suffers from anxiety and PTSD, I surely wasn’t. And while I’m definitely happier as a SAHM, I’ve established a strong support group and utilize resources like mindfulness to keep my sanity.

So, Do Stay-at-Home Moms Have it All?

“Wow, you get to stay at home with your kids, volunteer with their schools, and not worry about having to work. You have it aaaall. Must be nice.”

I’ve heard that many times.

But nobody has it all. 

Are there blessings to staying at home? 

Absolutely. 

When we’re up all night with the baby, we don’t have to worry about being coherent for the meeting at the office in the morning. We don’t have to cram laundry and grocery shopping into the weekends because we can run errands during the week. We can witness all the magic of childhood, enjoy all the cozy cuddles and never miss all the memorable milestones.

But most SAHMs, including myself, make sacrifices for this lifestyle.

Stay-at-home moms put their career on pause—I put mine on slo-mo for a decade. Our husbands carry the extra burden of being a sole provider. We struggle with feelings of frustration and guilt when it comes to finances. 

We don’t “have it all.” 

But it may appear that way because the work we’re doing is more fulfilling than anything else we’ve done.

Thanks for reading. Stay mindful, even when your mind’s full,
~Chelsea